Little by Little

I will not drive them out from before you in one year, least the land become desolate and the wild beasts multiply against you. Little by little I will drive them out from before you, until you have increased and posess the land.

That's Exodus 23:29-30, very shortly after God squashes the Egyptians in a very theatrical and mighty display of power. If I were an Israelite, I'd probably be wondering, "why not do that to all these other guys on our land?" But as God so gently explains here, the Israelites needed some time before they could posses and thrive in their promised land (a land previously said to be flowing with milk and honey...yum!).

My journey with food/health/weight loss is something of an exodus story. I love food. I've worshiped it, turning to it for everything from comfort to celebration. I've been enslaved to it, especially the super processed imposters posing as food. They have ruled my world all the while breaking me down.

Jesus displayed his power, might, and great mercy in a grand gesture, coming to earth as a man, dying for my sin, and rising from death so that relationship with God is a possibility once more. I am no longer a slave to food, ruled by my passions and cravings. I am a new creation and the promised land is my inheritance. But the driving out of old habits is little by little.

There has been a shift in my thinking lately. A change in my soul. Almost as if my head knowledge and my heart knowledge are finally on the same page, reading the same book! When I look at where we are, how we eat now versus a year and two years ago, I know we have made progress and lots of positive changes. (Hello - quinoa anyone?!) But I was starting to feel stuck. Overwhelmed. Unproductive.

I fasted last week from coffee (part of the Jen Hatmaker study 7: Staging Your Own Mutiny Against Excess). Literally the only thing I gave up was coffee. It was representative of the excess and luxury I take for granted in my kitchen. I missed it, but I didn't pine after it. And maybe that is what God needed from me before he could drive out the chemicals and the cravings that are before me. I put my little yes on the table and God is moving with it, little by little.

Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood

It was a beautiful spring day, so I traded in my usual exercise video for a real walk in the real park.  We soaked up vitamin D. We took deep breaths of fresh, albeit pollinated, air.

I walked about 2 miles around the park. It took me about an hour, but keep in mind, my goal was not about distance or speed, just movement. (I know I met this goal because my muscles are whining about it now!)

It felt good and the kids enjoyed strolling as much as I enjoyed walking!

Wordy Thirty!

I received the sweetest gift today...part of my Wordy Thirty birthday weekend. A beautiful scrapbook containing letters and notes from many of my family and friends sharing sweet memories and encouraging words about me. I was touched. It was a perfect gift! 

As I reflect on the last decade, I truly cannot believe where I am and how much I've grown. Now this year, 2013, is all about intentionality, and I've been in a bit of a low place the last few months. But as I'm coming out of it, remotivating myself and getting back on track with my goals, I decided to think of 30 things I want to do better this year. (These are in no particular order)

1. Reading the Bible - I get lots of Scripture second hand through lessons and studies, but I'd like to spend more time reading on my own. 

2. Blogging - I have SO much to say!! About motherhood, being a wife (an actor's wife at that!), faith, and living abundantly...I just need to make the time to say it! 

3. enrichment activities - we have a fantastic curriculum through Cornerstone, but there are so many things we can do to foster that love of learning and creativity, and adventure. 

4. meal planning - this has been SUCH a process!! I'm getting better at it, but I would love to get a good rhythm and consistency. 

5. More intentional activity in our day.

6. Flossing

7. cleaning the house

8. bike riding 

9. yoga - consistency and form 

10. fruit of the Spirit - basically I want to live up to all those wonderful things people said about me!

11. ...I was going to think of 30 things, but I'm thirty now with three small kids...what, do   I have, time on my hands?? Maybe I'll just focus on these and enjoy life under the grace of God!

Happy thirtieth to me!

Quinoa - where have you been all my life??

We recently discovered quinoa in our house, and I am absolutely in love! I've been experimenting like crazy, trying to figure out the exact best way(s) to work it into our regular diet. 

For my first attempt, I just made it with water, exactly as the package said. Basic. I wanted to get a sense of the natural flavor and texture. Truth be told, I liked it! It's good. After a few plain bites, I dressed it up with a touch of seasoning and butter. Yummy! 

On my next attempt, I cooked the quinoa in chicken stock with spinach and tuna. It was also very good. My family can easily do without the tuna, so I will leave that out next time. Or perhaps serve it on the side.

Then one night I pulled out some plain quinoa from the fridge, drizzled it with olive oil, sprinkled it with parmesan cheese, and heated it up in the microwave. Delish!

Last night I cooked it in chicken stock with spinach again, but I used too much spinach and it sort of overwhelmed the dish. 

For Valentine's Day, I made a Cinnamon Quinoa Breakfast Bake. That was yummy! I made it again this morning, but instead of a baking dish, I made it in individual muffin cups. Later I will try freezing a few and seeing how they last. We love baked oatmeal in the morning. I make a big double batch (one with chocolate chips, one with dried fruit) and freeze them in individual portion sizes. They are very quick in filling in the morning. So I'm hoping the quinoa will work the same way. So far, they seem to be working. They set well in the muffin cups. I ate one warm and it was a tad crumbly, so we'll have to see. 

I'm so pleased to have found this versatile and delicious super food! What's your favorite quinoa recipe?

Soup, or Salad?

I am on a quest. God is doing some refining, among that, a shift in the way we, the Hilton's, think and act toward food. So here's my current hurdle.

I do not like soup or salad.  Growing up, soups had zero flavor to my taste bud impaired mouth, and without any good texture to commend them to my palate, I pretty much steered clear. As my tastes have matured, I have come to appreciate tomato soup (assuming it comes alongside a yummy grilled cheese sandwich!), broccoli cheddar, and New England Clam Chowder (assuming they come in a warm bread bowl...do you see the pattern emerging?). Soups are an afterthought in my kitchen.

When asked, "Soup or salad?" I choose salad. But only because I have to. I ascribe to the belief that salad is good for you. It is a necessary precursor, a versatile side dish, or a pretty base to serve a meal on.  I once saw my grandmother order a salad  and then proceed to eat everything but the lettuce! She had the right idea! It's not that they can't be made with delicious ingredients, it's just that they are so tedious to eat! So it's not always a problem of taste or texture, but just boredom! I never feel satisfied after eating a salad.

But as I research new recipes and look for new and exciting habits to replace the old standbys, "Soup" and "Salad" seems to come up a lot. I don't know what to do with this.

Personal Reflections from Made to Crave, chap 6

Denying myself to get closer to God...not something I am particularly good at. I'm a very indulgent person. If it's something I or someone I love wants, my answer is nearly is always, "Yes! Let's do it!" and believe me, I will find a way to justify it! On the rare occasions I do resist temptation and deny myself whatever it is I am wanting, I find myself very susceptible to self-righteousness. 

I know God has me on a journey of discipline...reading 7, joining Hello Mornings, Weight Watchers...and I do believe He is honored when we make choices based on wisdom rather than self-indulgence. Someone once told me that your house/car/whatever is a reflection of your state of mind. To one extent I see that as true. The more self-indulgent and disorganized my spirit is, the less attention I focus on my little corners of the world. When I put first things first, I am better able to stay on top of things, keeping them well ordered, which in turn gives our souls room to breathe and experience beauty. 

The Holy Spirit does give me counsel when it comes to food choices. I am ashamed to admit that I am well practiced in ignoring him. In fact sometimes I won't even allow myself to ask the question because I already know what answer he'll give me, and I don't want to hear it!  That is where stubbornness and self-indulgence (wow - can we say word of the day??) win out and why I understand that this whole food issue is very much a more spiritual journey than anything else.

My lack of discipline and self control in matters of food has created a weight problem. As a result, I am uncomfortable and self conscious in my skin. So I don't pursue art with my whole heart. I'm embarrassed sometimes to even go out in public and my natural reservations and shyness are much worse, so opening my heart to new relationships is more difficult too. How can I build relationships in my community and focus on furthering the Kingdom when I am too embarrassed and focused on my own failings?

Much like my relationship to food, I think I am one of those Christians who is spiritually overfed! Lots of emphasis on taking in (Bible studies, books, sermons, etc.) and not nearly enough going out (serving, putting truth into practice, etc.). I would also say that I'm spiritually malnourished in the sense that I will take in the quick and easy candy coated "Christianese" sayings rather than spend time with the whole grain goodness of the Word. And I absolutely use food to fill my spiritual voids. When I am nervous or vulnerable or sad...break out the comfort food!

   

Personal Reflections from Made to Crave, chap 5

I am a classic first born people pleaser. I don't do failure or rejection very well. Even slight faux pas can really trip me up. I feel, in nearly all areas of my life, like I just need to do better, be more disciplined, stay on top of things, because I have something to prove. I'm not good enough or worth the effort. 

I rely on external things to feel good about myself. I enjoy a feeling of pride when I say that my husband is an actor (especially when he is in a show!) and a deep sense of shame when I have to talk about how we lost our jobs or how we moved in with my parents. 

Ephesians 1:17-20

I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms. 

I've always felt like I should be able to ask once and then it'd be done; that there is shame in having to ask again, or worse, over and over. Persistent prayer is necessary, not because God is busy, but because my heart is arrogant. I need the reminder that it is not in my power. 

I wallow in my old identity. I feel awkward and unworthy and shackled by my incapability. I feel defined by my weakness. But I am the daughter of the King; a beloved creation of the Author of the universe. Like the lyrics of the song, "You make everything glorious...what does that make me?" I cry when I hear that because it reminds me that I am made for more. When I identify myself with Christ, I am free to love and live without reservations. 

Not for my sake, but so that I may know him better. One of my favorite stories is You Are Special by Max Lucado. Only by spending time with Eli, the maker, is Punchinello free from the criticism and judgments - good and bad! - of the other Wemicks. What joy! What relifef, to know hope, and riches, and power - not mine but his! Not what I can do which is weak and temporary, but what he can do which is eternal and perfect. 

My journey to health is not about the scale or even feeling good. It is not about what I can do. It is about living in the victory of what Jesus has already done. About identifying myself in him and leaning on his strength so that his name is glorified in my corner of the world. 

Reflections from Made to Crave: Chap 3

Plan-schman! I fly by the seat of my pants...go with the flow...I'm loose...easygoing... impulsive...indulgent...overwhelmed...

Yeah, the first thing I learned about myself when I had my third child was how very essential a good plan is. Without a plan in place, I literally run around the house like a chicken with my head cut off. It's a miserable way to live. Thinking things through and using my down time wisely not only make life easier, they give my soul room to actually be in the moment and to recognize the beauty and joy around me. I know it is the same with food, and a big part of why I joined WW to begin with. The system works when I know how I'm spending my points, when I know what (and when) I'm cooking for dinner, when I have a list to buy from at the grocery store. 

But I also need flexibility. I need the freedom to look in the refrigerator/pantry and say, "I'm really not hungry for xyz...let's have this instead." Which is why menu planning and grocery shopping have always been so difficult for me to do. It's hard to plan ahead when you don't know how you'll be feeling or what you'll be hungry for!

I think I've got a decent rhythm going right now. I keep three to four variations of breakfast and lunch on hand (it's basically all different forms of cereal, and for lunch it's crackers with peanut butter/cheese with whatever fruit and veggies we have on hand. Simple and easy to keep around.). Then I plan three to four days of dinners, based on the week's schedule. Knowing what I have on hand and having several options, I can decide what's for dinner that day, but have the flexibility to change it should the need (or mood) arise! This also means I'm only going to the store twice a week which is very manageable. 

I made an important realization in my second week of WW. When I "cheat", the only person I'm cheating on is me. The Points Plus program is very simple and everything...EVERYTHING is allowed. You just have to count and track the points. So I would eat something and then think, Well, I'm just not going to track this. Then was immediately chastised by myself thinking, Why? So you'll be surprised when you don't loose this week? You are the only one in this! It is your body - your pounds - your choice! No one is going to look over your tracker and judge your choices. But your body will not keep your secrets for long!

Choosing a healthy eating plan has been a very long journey for me, and I am easily overwhelmed. One of the key reasons I chose WW, after having done it and many other programs in the past (with varying degrees of success!) is that I'm not only interested in loosing weight. I want to change the way I think and feel about food. I want to make fruit and vegetables the star of our meals, with healthy grains, lean meats, and limited dairy playing supporting roles. The points plus program gives me the freedom to experiment, resources to explore, and accountability to lose weight while I'm learning. 

Personal Reflections from "Made to Crave" Chap 1

My cravings are niggling little things, like bees or fruit flies, that start in the back of my head and quietly and persistently work their way up until they are the at the center of my heart. While they are quiet I do my best to fight them back... I'm not hungry right now. I'd rather save those points for something later. If I wait patiently I can have more. That's not really what I want, it's just the sugar talking. I'm bored. If I can find something to do...

But as the buzzing continues and grows louder, my defenses turn into rationalizations... I really have earned a little treat. It wouldn't be so bad to eat this now, and I'll just have to be more careful later. It would be better to eat a little now than to deprive myself and eat a whole box later when I eventually give in, because you know I'm just going to give in! I'm so stressed out! I just need a little something to help me calm down and get my mind right!

If we weren't created with the ability to crave, how would we ever get anything accomplished? The reason we have a society of clock watchers and deadlines is because we need that external motivation to help us focus our abilities. But when that motivation comes from inside, the results are so much stronger. My cravings are clearly mismanaged; corrupted by sin so that instead of wholeheartedly pursuing God, I am pursuing anything and everything else. 

I am tempted by my cravings (meeting physical desires outside of God's will). Even now with weight watchers, food is almost constantly on my mind. What can I fix everyone for dinner? Now that everyone has eaten and I'm alone, what can I eat to fill this void? What food will make the stress/boredom/unhappiness/etc go away?

I am tempted by the lust of my eyes (meeting material desires outside God's will). I want my own little house. I want fun, family vacations at Disney, or on cruise lines. I want to go shopping and to buy things - any things. I want my greatest concern to be how soft my toilet paper is. I want my husband to have a job that pays him enough so that we don't have to budget, we can just meet all our expenses and then have plenty of disposable income. 

I am tempted by my boastings (meeting needs for significance outside of God's will). I love serving at church and writing the VBX dramas. I love my role with CYT and being room mom at my children's schools. But I would be lying if I didn't admit that there is a part of me that derives my own self worth through the successes and failures of those endeavors. I worry that if I am not involved, if I am not essential to those projects, then what am I?

I don't think any of these temptations are easy to resist, but cravings are forefront on my mind. I battle constantly with my desire for certain kinds of food. I am an emotional eater and a habitual eater (you can't sit down to play Mexican train without a cup of coffee! You can't sit down to watch a show without a snack!). I have used Scripture before, as part of my weak defenses (just before they turn into rationalizations). It doesn't work because I use them as a tool that I can pick up when I need it and put it down when I don't really want to be stopped. I'm not saturated in God's Truth, resting in His Love, and confident in the Knowledge that I matter to Him. 

Evening Evaluation

The nights are the hardest. I mean, I understand, I'm working to change a lifetime of bad habits and poor thinking so challenging hardly describes it. But unfortunately my arsenal of tricks and coping mechanisms I use to get through the day do not work at night. It's when the kids have gone to bed and the chores are done that I start to feel very snacky.

It's not even about the food as much as it is about the ritual. I try to save 4 or 5 points for the end of the day, but it's not really what I'm after. Wow, it's a little sad to think this through and admit it in my blog, but there it is. It's not the cookie I want, it's how many cookies can I say before I get sick? It's not the crunch of the chip, but the feeling of eating as much as I want because I can.

I'm going to stick to my points. I'm also going to read Made to Crave and see if I can get a bead on the why behind my nightly binges. Ma e I'll make it my Hello Mornings Challenge study.

As for exercise, I'm putting the walking on hold and focusing on knee strengthening. Maybe water aerobics if I can work out the logistics of getting to the pool!

I Wish

I wish I didn't hurt. I wish I could walk for 15 minutes at the mall and not have a sore knee the next day. I wish I could sit in a chair for a few minutes and not ache when I got back up. I wish I wasn't so physically exhausted by the time bedtime came around. I wish my pants fit comfortably and that my closet and drawers were filled with shirts that I actually enjoy wearing. I wish I liked being in pictures and videos. I wish I was comfortable in my own skin. I wish.

Back on Track!

Happy and successful - that is me this morning! Getting out the door was a little rocky (still have some bugs to work out there. *SIGH*). But then I got the babies to the mall for a nice training walk. We walked a solid 15 minutes and both babies were so quiet and patient in their stroller that I was able to let my mind wander over some of the things God has been revealing to me (more on that when I'm done marinating!). Later I weighed in and found that I lost about 7 pounds in my first week of Weight Watchers! Success is sweet!

cheater, cheater, ANYTHING eater!

I just want a snack!!!!!

It's late and I want a little something to munch on. The problem is, it's not just now. I watched myself carefully today and noticed that any moment I had down time, my first thought was to go for food. I think this comes as a result of my current situation as mommy to three little ones. I just don't feel like I ever have time to stop and fix myself something, let alone sit down and eat it. And getting the family together for a meal??? Yeah right!! Ray doesn't get home until 6:30, and Grayson is finished inhaling his meal before I've got Brooklyn's plate fixed!!

So while I sit here, discouraged and longing for the comfort of a snack, I need to remind myself of somethings.

1. Preparation is key. It is essential. It is the lifeblood of my efforts to change my habits. Note that I said preparation, not simply planning. As in, pack the lunch, cut the veggies, measure out the crackers or hummus, or peanut butter, so that it's ready and available when downtime strikes. 
2. The beautiful image I have in my head of the family sitting together and enjoying a perfectly cooked meal of good, healthy, delicious food may not be anywhere close to reality now, but it is a possibility for the future. This is a unique season in our life. As long as we keep the goal in mind, we''ll get there eventually!
3. Tomorrow is a new day. 

Lesson Acknowledged

Here are some things that I learned today. 

1. Puppies and toddlers do not mix. Toddlers think of puppies as toys and puppies think of toddlers as chew toys. 
2. If you do find yourself the only adult in a home with a puppy, a baby, a toddler, a neurotic dog, and a six year old, don't plan on getting anything done! I managed to make a dish of baked oatmeal, get dinner in the crock pot, and eventually clean up the kitchen, but it was a very stressful day. 
3. If it absolutely must be done that day, do it the night before. 
4. If you want to stay on track with your eating plan when hunger and pressure strike at the same time, pack your lunch ahead of time. 
5. I am a muncher; a grazer; and above all a stress eater! Sipping a Diet Coke, a very unhealthy vice, I know, helps me beat those cravings. One step at a time.

An Ideal Morning

On our last morning of vacation, Grayson is sleeping in (thanks to his 5 am wake up call), so things are very quiet, I am pondering what my ideal morning looks like and what baby steps I can take to get there. 

Last fall I participated in an online group called the Hello Mornings Challenge. It was thirteen weeks of purposefully getting up before my kids to spend time with the Lord, exercise, and plan my day. I connected with some amazing women who share my desire to give my time to the Lord and my struggles with a comfy bed, allergies, illness, babies, and all the other things that keep us down. It was a great experience, and it taught me more than I can cover in this blog alone. The winter session begins again on January 28th, but I have already been in touch with my group as we are preparing even now to make those positive changes to our mornings. 

My ideal morning, in this season of my life would look something like this:

• 5:00 AM Prayer & Scripture
• 5:45 AM  Shower and Dress
• 6:15 AM Planning the Day
• 6:45 AM Feed Madi/Breakfast with Ray
• 7:00 AM  Get Brooklyn up
• 7:15 AM Get Grayson up
• 7:45 AM Out the door! 

I have not included exercise in the morning routine because I think I have found an ideal time to fit a walk in about four times a week, later in the morning. I also know that Madi won't always need such an early morning breakfast, so this is definitely an ideal for this season only.

I think my baby step during this challenge will be to master getting up at 6. So my morning will look like this:

• 6 AM Dress
• 6:15 Prayer and Scripture
• 6:30 Planning
• 6:45 Breakfast with Madi & Ray
• 7:00 Get Brooklyn up
• 7:15 Get Grayson up
• 7:30 Breakfast for kids
• 7:45 Out the door! 

Well, something like that! ;0)

 

A Hurdle Encountered

My sister, my husband and I joined Weight Watchers Online yesterday. Cliche? Yeah, maybe a little. But also a step we all felt necessary to act upon. 

I already know the importance of having the right foods in the house and accessible. Especially with a baby, a toddler, and a six year old running around and eating non stop from morning till night! When chaos rules the roost (even a carefully managed chaos as I like to think mine is), it's important to have things planned out and readily available so good choices can be made under pressure. 

I planned my menu for the week. I wrote out my grocery list. I loaded my kids into the car and headed for the store. That was my mistake. A cranky, demanding toddler does not an easy shopping trip make!

Things will get easier (repeat, take a breath, make a good choice, repeat again!).

For now, as I am learning what brands are best and where they are located in the store, I need to plan my big shopping trips by myself. I also need to start tracking the brands we use in our favorite recipes, and use that when I make up my list. It's easier to rush through the store if I know exactly what I'm looking for (ie "Dreamfield's Elbow Macaroni" instead of just "noodles"). 

The magnitude of this job, the discipline and planning required to make it work exhausts me. It's part of why I've failed in the past. It's so much easier to grab a box of Kraft Mac and cheese. But that's not what I want, for me or my kids. That's what I need to remember when I get overwhelmed by the details and encounter unexpected obstacles. Making the right choice takes a little more time, and I'm going to have to give myself time to get used to using the tools. But it's worth it. And it will get easier.