Personal Reflections from Made to Crave, chap 5

I am a classic first born people pleaser. I don't do failure or rejection very well. Even slight faux pas can really trip me up. I feel, in nearly all areas of my life, like I just need to do better, be more disciplined, stay on top of things, because I have something to prove. I'm not good enough or worth the effort. 

I rely on external things to feel good about myself. I enjoy a feeling of pride when I say that my husband is an actor (especially when he is in a show!) and a deep sense of shame when I have to talk about how we lost our jobs or how we moved in with my parents. 

Ephesians 1:17-20

I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms. 

I've always felt like I should be able to ask once and then it'd be done; that there is shame in having to ask again, or worse, over and over. Persistent prayer is necessary, not because God is busy, but because my heart is arrogant. I need the reminder that it is not in my power. 

I wallow in my old identity. I feel awkward and unworthy and shackled by my incapability. I feel defined by my weakness. But I am the daughter of the King; a beloved creation of the Author of the universe. Like the lyrics of the song, "You make everything glorious...what does that make me?" I cry when I hear that because it reminds me that I am made for more. When I identify myself with Christ, I am free to love and live without reservations. 

Not for my sake, but so that I may know him better. One of my favorite stories is You Are Special by Max Lucado. Only by spending time with Eli, the maker, is Punchinello free from the criticism and judgments - good and bad! - of the other Wemicks. What joy! What relifef, to know hope, and riches, and power - not mine but his! Not what I can do which is weak and temporary, but what he can do which is eternal and perfect. 

My journey to health is not about the scale or even feeling good. It is not about what I can do. It is about living in the victory of what Jesus has already done. About identifying myself in him and leaning on his strength so that his name is glorified in my corner of the world.