A Year's Worth of Posts

I found a lot of drafts in my list of posts. Thoughts that I started, but never made time to finish (discipline!). So I thought it would be fun to post them all here. They are incomplete, unedited, and may still prove to be fodder for future posts. 

1/8/2013

I have revolution on the brain. It started with Les Mis. Gosh I love that story! It's heartbreaking, and hopeful. Then I watched an old favorite of mine, a treasure of a movie, Mrs. Santa Claus, which uses the women's suffrage movement in their story telling, and I started to wonder.

I love my freedom, but am I willing to fight for it?

It seems like we, Americans, are due for some social change. I am sick to death of the responsibility we have given over to the government (do we realize that by asking for help we are just signing our freedoms away little by little?). And the solution is just not as simple as "vote for so and so" or pass this law, because the political machine is bigger than any one person and it is not honest!

Gun control is on my mind.

1/15/2013

Community and commitments...I sometimes confuse the two.

I've been thinking a lot about community. How very vital it is and how vulnerable we are without it. I've also been pondering over my various commitments. This has been my month to serve in the nursery, CYT started, and we have begun the planning marathon that is VBX. I could go on, because I haven't even touched the rest of the family, but this is really just about me right now.

The fact of the matter is, I love the activities that I am involved in because of the sense of community I get from them. Not that there is anything wrong with that, because I do think that's sort of the point behind it all anyway, but sometimes I do wonder if I allow my various commitments to take the place of genuine community in my life. What I mean is, I have made some very sweet friends through some of these activities. If I didn't do them, if I were to step back from one of them, would those friendships remain? 

** Current note: this one interests me because since we moved a year ago I have been very intentional about pursuing community outside of volunteer commitments. Something that I do believe has made a difference in how I feel about my social circle.

1/19/2013

Please excuse what is sure to be a mess of mutterings as I attempt (in between the interruptions provided by dogs, babies, toddlers, and laundry!) to unravel my thoughts and share some of what God has been revealing to me.

I had a very productive afternoon. I planned, shopped, and cooked. I was within budget, and I'm starting the week feeling prepared and poised for success.

It got me thinking. We talk a lot about helping people get back on their feet. There are many programs and efforts made to help people get back to work. But are we overlooking a simple truth in our efforts to help? What have we done to the homemaker?

Its so sad the way this essential role has been pushed, not to the back burner, but nearly off the stove!!

Now I love the freedom we women have to learn, and speak, and love with our own best judgement, but I think somewhere between equal rights and women's lib we lost sight of the value a stay at home wife and mother brings to the party.

Girls today believe they can do or be anything they want to be. But if they choose to be at home, they have given up. One of my favorite movies, Mona Lisa Smile, does a great job of showcasing how far our culture went trying to save the home and the woman's role (so far that it ended up stifling rather than saving!). The movie is very much about celebrating how far women have come in the the working world, but my favorite character makes a different choice. Joan Brandwyn (played by Julia Stiles) says this,

Katherine Watson: There are seven law schools within 45 minutes of Philadelphia. You can study and get dinner on the table by 5:00.
Joan Brandwyn: It's too late.
Katherine Watson: No, some of them accept late admissions! Now, I was upset at first, I can tell you that. When Tommy came to me at the dance and told me he was accepted to Penn, I thought, 'Oh God, her fate is sealed! She's worked so hard, how can she throw it all away?' But then I realized you won't have to! You can bake your cake and eat it too! It's just wonderful!
Joan Brandwyn: We're married. We eloped over the weekend. Turned out he was petrified of a bit ceremony, so we did a sort of spur-of-the-moment thing. Very romantic.
[Katherine is stunned]
Joan Brandwyn: It was my choice, not to go. He would have supported it.
Katherine Watson: But you don't have to choose!
Joan Brandwyn: No, I have to. I want a home, I want a family! That's not something I'll sacrifice.
Katherine Watson: No one's asking you to sacrifice that, Joan. I just want you to understand that you can do both.
Joan Brandwyn: Do you think I'll wake up one morning and regret not being a lawyer?
Katherine Watson: Yes, I'm afraid that you will.
Joan Brandwyn: Not as much as I'd regret not having a family, not being there to raise them. I know exactly what I'm doing and it doesn't make me any less smart. This must seem terrible to you.
Katherine Watson: I didn't say that.
Joan Brandwyn: Sure you did. You always do. You stand in class and tell us to look beyond the image, but you don't. To you a housewife is someone who sold her soul for a center hall colonial. She has no depth, no intellect, no interests. You're the one who said I could do anything I wanted. This is what I want.

I love her perspective and her courage!  I respect women who have a calling to a particular work. I respect women who must work to help make ends meet. I respect women who find a way to balance work and home; who remember their priorities. Women contribute so much to the world when they choose family!

What might the world look like if more women stayed home and made supporting their spouse and raising their children their true calling?

1/22/2013

Pain seems to be my keyword this morning, pain and discomfort. That seems to be the only thing

1/24/2013

I am a fearful person. I lock myself up in my head, terrified that I'm going to offend someone by saying the wrong thing.

6/24/2013

I love looking back at my old journals - especially my preteen journals. They are full of deeply emphatic statements like, "I got angry with my brother today. I am the worst person in the entire world and no one is ever going to like me let alone love me!" 

Ha! and I wonder why my kids are dramatic?  

Seriously though, I am an emotional person. I feel things deeply and for a long time and more often than not, my actions are dictated by how I feel.  

6/2013

Boy, I thought joining Weight Watchers in January was cliche enough, but to quick half way through February?? What is going on? 

Well, it was a tricky little spiral...a slow slope downward and a very steep climb back up. I have been to Funky Town, and I do not recommend it. 

Yet I also can't quite leave it behind. Something's gotta give. But no, that's not quite right.  Someone's got to give, as in give up. It's got to be less about the "To Do" list and more about surrender. 

Why Bother?

It has been two whirlwind years since I have last posted on my blog and part of that is because every time I sit down to write I start thinking, Why bother? What do I have to say on any given topic? Is my voice unique or am I adding to the noise of the internet? Honestly I don't know, but here is where I'm at. I am on a journey. I have made feeble attempts over the years to take care of myself, but I have neglected much in the name of Motherhood. 

But my chicks are growing. Our family culture is being shaped everyday. I am smack dab in the middle of this holy assignment to disciple these three little humans and that job is daunting at best and draining! My mommy soul must be connected to the Lord and filled with Him so that what pours out of me is His Love, His Truth, His Beauty. That connection is not just one way. My response to Him is worship and creation; taking that which He gives me and exercising it out into my life. 

Currently I am a jumble of disorganized thoughts and energies. If the Lord were to say to me right now, "Jaime, I'd like you to (write a book...direct a play...fill in the blank)." I don't know that I would even hear Him, let alone be ready and able to take those steps of obedience. Thus the direction of my journey becomes a little more clear. My word for 2015 is Discipline. The need for discipline in many areas of my life is deeply felt and one part of this practice is writing. Writing for the sake of writing; the simple discipline of organizing my thoughts on paper or a blog for no other purpose than to be in the habit of doing it. My hope is that I will be able to process some of these things in my heart and in doing so start making steps forward. So my mommy soul will be connected and therefore more engaged in this homemaking journey.

So for now, that's why I bother. 

Little by Little

I will not drive them out from before you in one year, least the land become desolate and the wild beasts multiply against you. Little by little I will drive them out from before you, until you have increased and posess the land.

That's Exodus 23:29-30, very shortly after God squashes the Egyptians in a very theatrical and mighty display of power. If I were an Israelite, I'd probably be wondering, "why not do that to all these other guys on our land?" But as God so gently explains here, the Israelites needed some time before they could posses and thrive in their promised land (a land previously said to be flowing with milk and honey...yum!).

My journey with food/health/weight loss is something of an exodus story. I love food. I've worshiped it, turning to it for everything from comfort to celebration. I've been enslaved to it, especially the super processed imposters posing as food. They have ruled my world all the while breaking me down.

Jesus displayed his power, might, and great mercy in a grand gesture, coming to earth as a man, dying for my sin, and rising from death so that relationship with God is a possibility once more. I am no longer a slave to food, ruled by my passions and cravings. I am a new creation and the promised land is my inheritance. But the driving out of old habits is little by little.

There has been a shift in my thinking lately. A change in my soul. Almost as if my head knowledge and my heart knowledge are finally on the same page, reading the same book! When I look at where we are, how we eat now versus a year and two years ago, I know we have made progress and lots of positive changes. (Hello - quinoa anyone?!) But I was starting to feel stuck. Overwhelmed. Unproductive.

I fasted last week from coffee (part of the Jen Hatmaker study 7: Staging Your Own Mutiny Against Excess). Literally the only thing I gave up was coffee. It was representative of the excess and luxury I take for granted in my kitchen. I missed it, but I didn't pine after it. And maybe that is what God needed from me before he could drive out the chemicals and the cravings that are before me. I put my little yes on the table and God is moving with it, little by little.

Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood

It was a beautiful spring day, so I traded in my usual exercise video for a real walk in the real park.  We soaked up vitamin D. We took deep breaths of fresh, albeit pollinated, air.

I walked about 2 miles around the park. It took me about an hour, but keep in mind, my goal was not about distance or speed, just movement. (I know I met this goal because my muscles are whining about it now!)

It felt good and the kids enjoyed strolling as much as I enjoyed walking!

Wordy Thirty!

I received the sweetest gift today...part of my Wordy Thirty birthday weekend. A beautiful scrapbook containing letters and notes from many of my family and friends sharing sweet memories and encouraging words about me. I was touched. It was a perfect gift! 

As I reflect on the last decade, I truly cannot believe where I am and how much I've grown. Now this year, 2013, is all about intentionality, and I've been in a bit of a low place the last few months. But as I'm coming out of it, remotivating myself and getting back on track with my goals, I decided to think of 30 things I want to do better this year. (These are in no particular order)

1. Reading the Bible - I get lots of Scripture second hand through lessons and studies, but I'd like to spend more time reading on my own. 

2. Blogging - I have SO much to say!! About motherhood, being a wife (an actor's wife at that!), faith, and living abundantly...I just need to make the time to say it! 

3. enrichment activities - we have a fantastic curriculum through Cornerstone, but there are so many things we can do to foster that love of learning and creativity, and adventure. 

4. meal planning - this has been SUCH a process!! I'm getting better at it, but I would love to get a good rhythm and consistency. 

5. More intentional activity in our day.

6. Flossing

7. cleaning the house

8. bike riding 

9. yoga - consistency and form 

10. fruit of the Spirit - basically I want to live up to all those wonderful things people said about me!

11. ...I was going to think of 30 things, but I'm thirty now with three small kids...what, do   I have, time on my hands?? Maybe I'll just focus on these and enjoy life under the grace of God!

Happy thirtieth to me!

Quinoa - where have you been all my life??

We recently discovered quinoa in our house, and I am absolutely in love! I've been experimenting like crazy, trying to figure out the exact best way(s) to work it into our regular diet. 

For my first attempt, I just made it with water, exactly as the package said. Basic. I wanted to get a sense of the natural flavor and texture. Truth be told, I liked it! It's good. After a few plain bites, I dressed it up with a touch of seasoning and butter. Yummy! 

On my next attempt, I cooked the quinoa in chicken stock with spinach and tuna. It was also very good. My family can easily do without the tuna, so I will leave that out next time. Or perhaps serve it on the side.

Then one night I pulled out some plain quinoa from the fridge, drizzled it with olive oil, sprinkled it with parmesan cheese, and heated it up in the microwave. Delish!

Last night I cooked it in chicken stock with spinach again, but I used too much spinach and it sort of overwhelmed the dish. 

For Valentine's Day, I made a Cinnamon Quinoa Breakfast Bake. That was yummy! I made it again this morning, but instead of a baking dish, I made it in individual muffin cups. Later I will try freezing a few and seeing how they last. We love baked oatmeal in the morning. I make a big double batch (one with chocolate chips, one with dried fruit) and freeze them in individual portion sizes. They are very quick in filling in the morning. So I'm hoping the quinoa will work the same way. So far, they seem to be working. They set well in the muffin cups. I ate one warm and it was a tad crumbly, so we'll have to see. 

I'm so pleased to have found this versatile and delicious super food! What's your favorite quinoa recipe?

Soup, or Salad?

I am on a quest. God is doing some refining, among that, a shift in the way we, the Hilton's, think and act toward food. So here's my current hurdle.

I do not like soup or salad.  Growing up, soups had zero flavor to my taste bud impaired mouth, and without any good texture to commend them to my palate, I pretty much steered clear. As my tastes have matured, I have come to appreciate tomato soup (assuming it comes alongside a yummy grilled cheese sandwich!), broccoli cheddar, and New England Clam Chowder (assuming they come in a warm bread bowl...do you see the pattern emerging?). Soups are an afterthought in my kitchen.

When asked, "Soup or salad?" I choose salad. But only because I have to. I ascribe to the belief that salad is good for you. It is a necessary precursor, a versatile side dish, or a pretty base to serve a meal on.  I once saw my grandmother order a salad  and then proceed to eat everything but the lettuce! She had the right idea! It's not that they can't be made with delicious ingredients, it's just that they are so tedious to eat! So it's not always a problem of taste or texture, but just boredom! I never feel satisfied after eating a salad.

But as I research new recipes and look for new and exciting habits to replace the old standbys, "Soup" and "Salad" seems to come up a lot. I don't know what to do with this.